


imagine if

by Fantasy_1360



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Canon Divergence - The Play, Character Study, Don't Judge Me, Gen, How Do I Tag, I can't write for my life, I'm Sorry, Inspired by Music, It's my first work, Light Angst, Lowercase, No Plot/Plotless, Not Beta Read, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Canon, Rated teen for language, Songfic, i guess that's what this is called, i hope this is not ooc, imagine if - gnash, kinda??, of course
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-08
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:01:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25186054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fantasy_1360/pseuds/Fantasy_1360
Summary: 『 ° *• ♫ •* °』if i could go backjust for a nighti would see the futureand i'd make it alright
Relationships: Evan Hansen & Jared Kleinman, Jeremy Heere & Michael Mell
Kudos: 8





	imagine if

**Author's Note:**

> you can listen to the song [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=elRS0ntrEjk)  
> i like it a lot and it has always reminded me of this characters so... enjoy!
> 
> (also english is not my first lenguage, please let me know if there are any mistakes)

**imagine if i never messed up  
** **imagine if we never even broke up**

[jared]

he wishes he could think about anything else, he really does. but it doesn't seem to matter how many weeks have passed since the fight, his brain keeps reminding him of it.

and who is he trying to fool, it was his fault too. not that he will ever admit it out loud anyway.

every harsh word he'd ever directed towards the anxious boy hurted jared as if he was stabbing himself.

he wishes he'd been strong enough. he wishes he didn't need to play that persona he'd created to run away from himself.

he wishes he were a different person, anybody but this ugly and nerdy guy who ruins every single good thing in his life. all of his friends- his only friend hates him. jared can't blame him tho. he hates himself too.

he'd made sure to let evan know that he wanted nothing to do with him. there was no other thing further from reality.

jared wanted a friend so bad. but that would be admitting that he has none, and it's something he couldn't let other people see.

'play it cool, y'know' he repeated to himself 'maybe if you can survive your senior year, college will be paradise. no more play and pretend'.

just be yourself, he thought, whoever lives under this fake facade.

but it might be too late. he has become a stranger in his own body. like an old toy you barely play with, forgotten under dirty clothes.

_"i thought the only reason you even talk to me is because of your car insurance"_

my parents already payed it, evan. fuck.

what's the point in crying again? jared has spent the last days letting out more tears than he would usually allow himself.

_"tell everyone how you helped me write emails pretending to be a kid who killed himself"_

angry evan was scary.

he had shouted looking at jared dead in the eye. no stuttering. practically spitting on his face.

and jared really wishes he could forget it.

but he is heartbroken.

**imagine if i had the power to control the voices in my head**  
**& i could tell them all to shut the fuck up**

[jeremy]

the squip will never be gone.

at least, not the consequences of what it did. rich has burns, jake two broken legs and jeremy an upset ex best friend.

also jeremy is almost positive that the squip voice still insults him from the back of his head. or maybe not. who knows. jeremy's mind is always full of noise. it's hard to tell which are his own thoughts over all the background yelling and everybody else's opinions.

_"you could be taller, if you weren't hunched over all scared all the time"_

_"you are less cute when you're talking"_

_"you're just a nothing in this high school scheme"_

yeah, people think he is pathetic. it's pretty obvious by now. that is the reason why he took that damn tic tac in the first place. but it didn't help neither. jeremy is a total lost case.

not only in terms of popularity, unfortunately. he treated bad his faher. he made christine uncomfortable. he let down michael. he cheated on brooke.

he deserved none of them, he deserved to dig a hole and die there.

_"everything about you makes me wanna die"_

_"you can't get rid of me..."_

so many voices. he can't mute them. they are burying him under his insecurities.

he can't fight back. he doesn't find his own voice. he succumbs without trying to win.

how could he ever win?

**imagine if i never told a lie  
imagine if i knew how to always get it right**

[evan]

he feels broken. he is broken.

i mean, lying to the whole school about being friends with a guy who killed himself is pretty fucked up, isn't it?

but evan had always been a liar. why tell the pitiful truth when you can just make up a perfect alternative universe where you are not an anxious and depressed mess?

his mom said she still loved him after all. and that felt good. but soon she would be making apointments with dr. sherman and buying him refills to try to fix him.

she is right, evan knows it. he will need all the help he can get in order to collect his shattered pieces and start rebuilding himself.

and why trying to get better when you can just pretend everything is wonderful?

_"dear evan hansen:_

_today is going to be an amazing day, and here's why"_

no, it won't be. not when the only person who doesn't hate you is your mom. not when you can't interact with anyone like a normal human.

most of the time he feels hopeless, like he will never be able to step into the sun. he's gotten very used to hiding away.

so he will keep lying. it seems that's the only thing he knows how to do.

heidi will be better that way, pretending her poor son is not hurting any more.

jared, alana, zoe, the murphys- everyone would be better off without him.

_"i wish that everything was different"_

_"face it, would anyone even notice if i dissapeared tomorrow?"_

yeah.

**imagine if i wasn't such a coward  
** **& i had the courage hidden somewhere in my heart to look u in the eye**

[jared]

he should apologize.

maybe evan would understand.

hey, remember how i treated you like garbage since freshmen year? funny story, huh?

or- or that time when i left you so alone you rather have a dead kid be your best friend than me? that one is my personal favourite.

no, things wouldn't work out that way. jared would embarrass himself being too vulnerable or he would end up saying hurtful words to evan just as a result of his panic default mode.

maybe… writting it would be easier?

oh, great idea, jared. let's write evan one of those weird sex letters you've done for the past few months. sure that will help you to forgive each other and move on.

jared already knows that his ego won't ever let him be sorry for all the bullshit he's done.

and he still feels hurt, which he covers up with anger, which prevents him from having the guts to be a nice person.

evan will come running eventually because he will feel guilty. he always does.

yes, he always does.

**lost our love in the mess we made**

[jeremy]

why is he so pathetic?

christine had looked at him with a mix of pity and disgust. he really was stupid enough to ask her out. again.

and michael? twelve years of friendship down the toilet.

mr. heere told him michael had been burning their mementos. he also said worriedly that he had been smoking a joint, and jeremy pretended that was news.

at least he has his dad. and maybe rich.

well, it was about time jeremy went back to being the loser. the geek.

whatever.

**i wonder if i saw your face again  
would u be a stranger or would we be more than friends?  
would this be the beginning  
or the long & winding road that takes us all the way around until the very bitter end?**

[jared]

radio silence for over a year.

never showed up to the kleinman-hansen meetings. never texted or called.

never tried to reach out.

it doesn't matter. it is fine.

jared isn't worried. he is fine.

_"i wish anything i said… mattered, to anyone"_

_"we're family friends. that's like a whole different thing and you know it"_

_"i wish that i was part of... something"_

evan must be fine too, right?

heidi said he is doing alright on pills. he still visits that psychologist. he even got a job and takes classes at the community college.

not that jared cares.

but what if they crossed paths?

sometimes it looks like evan will show up while jared walks alone, or like his voice will make a helpful comment about jared's next essay.

his face seems to appear in every coffee shop barista, in every lost child he meets.

and he wishes evan was the pizza delivery guy, or even the shy always-in-the-background classmate from his informatics major.

but evan works at pottery barn and his new happy life does not include jared kleinman.

**imagine if we never felt fear  
imagine we were brave enough to never hide the tears**

[michael]

he is a cheerful boy. everybody knows it.

if there's one thing about his personality that stands out is how he looks relaxed and in peace with himself.

however, he only truly feels that way when he gets stonned.

he is not a negative person, but a very realistic one. and reality sucks when your best friend prefers a japanese computer over you.

he never even said he was sorry.

michael undestands that when he asked during the play was not the best moment, but later? there had been plenty of oportunities.

_"get out of my way. loser"_

jeremy surely thinks that michael is not worthy an apology.

after all, he was being honest when he shut him out of his life.

_"you love to feel superior, just because you listen to music on vinyl and eat eel in your sushi and don’t care about being popular"_

pretending he doesn't care about popularity was easier when he was not alone.

**imagine if i didn't have to worry about everything around me**  
**& my sanity was actually here**

[evan]

senior year was supposed to be just the time between him and college, where he would have the oportunity to start all over again.

it ended up being one of the hardest years of his life.

and college? still another year to go.

he never took part in a single scholarship essay contest. his mom insisted on how much of a wonderful writer he was, but she didn't pressure him when she sensed the lack of enthusiasm.

it has not been an easy year and she is trying very hard to be a better mother, so she spoils him more than ususal.

the more he thinks about transfering credits in fall, the most scared he is.

it isn't something to look forward to. if he wants new friends, he will have to speak to strangers. and strangers always think he is weird anyway.

pills.

dr. sherman.

college.

try to survive.

**i just got so caught up in the moment**  
**i didn't even realize we were broken**

[michael]

he is aware of his low empathy.

and though he tries his best, he still messes up sometimes. so could it be his fault?

he might have been insensible without realizing it.

or jeremy doesn't want to apologize because all this time he has waited for an excuse to dump michael.

he saw the oportunity and he took it.

but hey, michael saved the school and maybe the whole planet.

so fuck jeremy if he couldn't at least be thankful.

**if i could go back**  
**just for a night**

[jared]

he is fine.

  
**i would see the future**  
**& i'd make it alright**

[evan]

he is fine.

  
**oh darling if life was a movie**  
**i'd hit rewind**

[jeremy]

he is fine.

  
**imagine if i knew how to turn back time**

[michael]

he is fine.

f i n e.

**Author's Note:**

> well, thanks for reading this nonsense my brain threw up :)
> 
> i posted this very fast before i could regret it because i wasn't sure if it was okay it but i hope you enjoyed it ?
> 
> again, any mistakes, let me know. <3


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